In April of this year, I lost the baby my husband and I had been planning due to an ectopic pregnancy. It was rough physically and emotionally but this isn’t about such sad things. This is far more vain that that. My current problem is that it caused me to be fatter than I wanted to be during the summer months.
I got married in December and was in pretty good shape. I was comfortable with my weight and felt great. We planned to start trying for a baby in March, after my busiest work time was over and I had time to get my IUD removed. I anticipated that I would get pregnant fairly quickly, so the pressure to maintain a summer body was out the window. Why bother with dieting and weighing myself and being all critical when I’m just going to pack on the pregnancy pounds? Yes, I use pregnancy as a reason to eat whatever I want without judgment, whenever I want it. I’m not a granola mom. I am honest with myself, and I am also one of those people that need a reason to lose weight like a beach vacation or a wedding or summer clothing. It would be mature of me to be healthy year round and maintain a healthy lifestyle of eating right and exercising, but that crap bores me. I need a good reason not to eat an entire cheesesteak. I need to know that I’m avoiding drinking my calories in alcohol for a reason. Every day on the treadmill is for something much more tangible than the notion of fitness. Don’t get me wrong, I wish I was one of those people who see food as fuel and worked out because they enjoy it and have the discipline to wake up at 5am for a daily jog. Alas, I am not. For me, food is like a love making experience. Maybe one day I’ll be better. Not today.
So from January to March, I ate. And ate. I allowed myself all the things I had denied myself while trying to get into wedding shape, but I didn’t mind because I could soon disguise the pounds as pregnancy weight gain. As fruitfulness tends to run in my family, I managed to get pregnant 2 days after my IUD was removed. Nailed it! Bring on the cravings! Sadly, by 7 weeks pregnant, I lost the baby. By the time I recovered from surgery and crawled out of the emotional haze of having this child torn away from me, I realized I had gained a whopping 18 pounds since my wedding. Soothing my mental wounds with my mother’s home cooking (which is usually dripping with meat fat of some sort) and lacking the energy to do more than order pizza once mom went back home, I lost sight of the fact that summer was coming and I would not have a bun in the oven to blame for my fluff. Now I’m all fat and no baby to show for it. Its now June! I was in my emotional haze for a long time. How am I going to catch up to my appropriate summer body at this point?!?! I’ve got a beach wedding to go to in a month and a half!
Now, I’m crash low-carb dieting to get the most results the fastest and working out again. This is about vanity. Eye on the prize. But even now in my madness to lose some weight, I am not fully committed to doing any effort that ultimately is not going to be worth it. When choosing my workouts I remind myself that I plan to try again for a baby by the end of the summer. Why work really hard on abs? I’ll stick to cardio for all over weight loss and legs. No need to do extra crunches and sit ups just for my belly to explode in the fall. The belly weight I lose from cardio will have to do. I’m all about efficiency. No one needs a 6 pack when they’ll hopefully be pregnant soon. Although, I’ve never had a 6 pack. Most I have ever had was 4, and that was close enough. The amount of work compared to the reward of 2 extra abs didn’t pass the cost benefit analysis.
I’m hoping to be pregnant soon enough to get a few summertime funnel cakes and not feel guilty about them. Until then, I will eat this grilled fish and spinach. This was not the way my summer was supposed to turn out.